Will You Marry Me

A marriage proposal is an interesting way to start the day.  I keep an active profile on Plenty of Fish (POF), a free internet dating site, more for its entertainment value than anything else.  Since the site is free, my expectations are low.  And I do remind myself regularly that I get what I pay for.

This particular message had a gift attached.  POF gives members a certain number of points each month and those points can be “spent” on gifts for potential suitors.  My message had  a picture of two glasses of wine, pearls, a rose and chocolates…. Nice gift… if I can suspend reality long enough to forget it is just a picture of these things and not the actual items.

I was surprised when I first received a gift on this site.  It does carry a bit of the same emotional thrill of getting a present.  Someone actually had to spend something to give this to me.  I will also admit that this particular gift was not enough of a thrill for me to accept the proposal, but I did check out guy’s profile.

We’ll call him Bob.  Bob was from Shertz, Texas.  The fact that I’d never heard of Shertz bothered me a little.  It screamed “small town.”  I enjoy art galleries, live theatre, and taking professional dance classes… not always available in small towns, so my low expectations were dropping even lower.

Bob is retired with a Master’s Degree, theoretically. (Sorry, my cynicism is showing.)  But his photo did indicate there may be a light on in the attic so that part could be true.  I notice that he checked NO to the question “Do you do drugs?”  I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone ever checked YES to this.

He likes to travel; that’s a plus.  Uh oh… he also lives in the RV that he travels in… Point deduction.

He did sign off with by sharing the medical info that he has herpes....hmm herpes....  Ok, I had to give him credit for his honesty.  But credit was about as far as it went.  I closed the profile and reminded myself that there are worse ways to start a day than with a marriage proposal, wine, roses, and jewelry… oh yes, and the best part...chocolates...without the calories.

Ava's website:  http://www.edatinginsight.com/

Russian Porn

A little knowledge really is a dangerous thing.

Blogspot is a user-friendly system for novice bloggers and maybe more accomplished ones as well. Clearly I fall into the former category. I was sitting around today exploring some of the other features of the program.

I know… “Get out and get a life Ava. “ Hey, I had a date last night and another one tomorrow… so I’m starting to re-claim my rightful place in the world of the non-brokenhearted …. Sorry, last night’s date didn’t provide anything blog-worthy but you can’t force these things… and sometimes a peaceful, non-humorous date is a welcome reprieve. Oh there was chemistry, but you can't write a whole blog on a little chemistry.

So here I sit playing with my blogspot features. I browsed through the stats and noted that I’d had 625 pageviews since I switched from Word Press to Blogspot in May. I realize many of those are repeat viewers, and that’s a compliment…thank you (and only you know who you are).. Then I started clicking on more detailed info about said viewers. I discovered 6 from Russia, 3 from India, and 1 each from France, Luxembourg, and Latvia… Latvia?

I probably know just enough about blogging to be dangerous. I assumed that my facebook buddies who were terribly bored or strongly loyal were the only ones reading these …and only then as more of a favor to me. Of course, I predicted a fair number of readers from the former high school classmates on my friends list who haven’t heard from me since the late 60s and are really curious to see if I’m still the wild child I was back then….and just what that might look like in my late 50s. In my mind, this was my reading audience. But Russia.. Latvia… WTF.

I’ve visited Russia twice. Is there a chance I left a few stalkers behind? Then I remembered something I learned from my two visits. Their reading materials are heavily censored. (or at least they still were in 1990)..

Maybe my blogs are the closest Russians can get to porn. I did have one blog with “Sex” in the title. Maybe that drew them in. If so, I really do apologize for not making the blogs spicier… or then again, maybe I’m doing you a favor. If you are out there and can read this, I invite you make yourself known. It’ll be our secret.. just between us and about a hundred of my closest friends.

Ava's website: www.edatinginsight.com

Pimping my Business

I could feel it happening. The lure of becoming a full-time couch potato was very seductive. Moving past a break-up is never easy, but this one felt like it could take a rigid grip on me and not let go.

It was time. I needed to get out of the house for more than work and the occasional grocery store run. I needed to restore a space for fun back in my life.

I had managed to stay in touch with people by phone, email, and facebook but I’m a social person by nature. I missed the hugs, the eye-contact , the connectedness that comes from face-to-face communication.

So I contacted Jessica, a friend who had been patiently waiting for me to come out of my cave. She had a talent for teasing out the few places in the Domain that offered great happy hour eats and wine at a price that was still palatable.

We squeezed into a couple of seats at the bar at Gloria’s. I didn’t even know the new restaurant was there. (Yes, I do have to get out more.) Before the evening was over, it was clear that I was one of the few Austinites who didn’t know about Gloria’s . The lovely ambiance, upscale Tex-Mex meals and a delightful outdoor patio drew quite the crowd.

Jessica and I exchanged news about the highlights and lowlights in our lives. We were facebook friends, so we were able to keep up with each other on a mostly superficial level that way. Sitting there together we allowed ourselves to go beyond the surface and pour out our feelings. We laughed.. a lot.. and at times I held back a few tears. The visit was long overdue.

We were talking about Internet dating when the man on the bar stool next to me started injecting himself into our conversation. The interruption was only mildly annoying because we had already been talking for quite a while and were starting to wind down.

I explained to him that we were discussing online dating. He immediately gives his negative opinions concerning the subject. (I tried to ignore the thought, “No you probably prefer to pick up women at bars.”.. but it kept creeping back into my mind.) After he went on and on about the perils of Internet dating, he confessed that he’d never actually done it.

I quietly retrieved one of my business cards out of my purse. ( As most of you know, I’m an Internet Dating Coach, as a sideline to my work at the college.) When I slipped him my card, it was clear that he thought I was interested in him and slyly passing my card with the implied invitation to call me.

He kept talking and glanced briefly down at the card. Then he did a double take.

"You are an Internet Dating Coach! What the hell is an Internet Dating Coach? I thought I had impressed you with my suave demeanor and here you are just pimping your business." Jessica and I couldn’t stifle the giggles.

I asked him how his current approach to dating was working. He sighed. “I’ll give you a call.” I laughed and told him my business was booming and that I wasn’t accepting new clients. ...but that I wished him well.

Jessica and I moved to a new place had a cup of coffee and finished our conversation.

Ava's website: www.edatinginsight.com

The Breakup

I knew it would end.

Aaron had told me from the beginning that I wasn’t the type of woman he wanted to settle down with forever. That hurt, but at the same time I appreciated knowing the truth. We tried to avoid it altogether, but we connected emotionally quite early on. We lived each day as if it were the last …because it could be.

It was one relationship where I pushed myself to stay totally in the present… to enjoy every pleasurable moment, every intimate conversation, every fun event with our friends, every trip we took. It was intense. It was wonderful. Then it was over.

We both hurt. For a week we went through excruciating pain trying not to contact each other at all. Then we finally talked.

“Ok, what would a healthy friendship look like? One that didn’t have us getting sucked back into the relationship.” Neither of us ever wanted to go through this again, regardless of how much we missed being together.

Aaron said, “So you have guided us these last 8 months as we’ve worked on developing healthy relationship skills. You tell me. Could a friendship work? And how?” It was clear neither of us wanted to lose the other person from our life. Our lives had become intertwined, in a good way. He was the person who invited me to share the trivia of how my day had gone. I was the one he turned to when he felt anxiety that took on various forms. This had lasted for 8 months… and we regretted none of it but knew it was time to move on.

“Well, first it’s important that neither of us really expect to get back together,” I started out. We acknowledged that we were finally at that place.

“Next, I think it’s important to employ the “Bill rules.”

“The Bill rules?” Aaron asked. Bill was one of Aaron’s close friends.

“Here’s how this works: If you wouldn’t hold hands with Bill, don’t hold hands with me. If you wouldn’t kiss Bill, don’t kiss me.”

“Ok, ok…” Aaron stopped me. I get it. So basically, I treat you like I would one of my male friends.

“Right,” I replied. And the same goes for me.” if I wouldn’t flirt seductively with Tammy, then I don’t flirt with you.”

We agreed to the Bill and Tammy rules. We also decided that for a few months it would be best not to be alone together, a situation which would clearly tempt fate. He was my tech support person, personal trainer, and car advisor, but I realized any of these things had to be done via the phone or email So we agreed to talk by phone once a week… on Thursday mornings. (I smile now as I think how naïve we were… but we were desperate.)

The first week, every time I wanted to share something with Aaron or had a question, I jotted it down on a note pad. Pages and pages and more pages. We made it until Wednesday night. We talked for an hour and a half Wednesday night and two hours Thursday morning. Ok, this part of the plan was a fail.

The next week several important issues came up in our lives, and we declared that we invoked the “exception clause” and talked at various times when the need arose. This started feeling more like a friendship. We reminded ourselves that it was important to stay apart physically, lest the sex magnet draw us in.

I vowed no alcohol for 21 days. I knew this would help me follow my own rules. (I can be the first to break rules I set up…go figure.)

Since we’d met in the social club, it’s no surprise that the issue came up of who would get custody of “our” friends. We discussed joint custody but made no clear decisions. We both felt skittish about going back to the club, mainly because we predicted the perfect amount of awkwardness would surely be waiting. We figured that would change in time. We allowed ourselves to go with what felt right that moment, while still granting ourselves permission to return to the club (or not) in the future.

We passed time with our families and other friends…and spent quite a bit of time doing what is called sitting in the pain. I bought a book titled The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. It gave me practical exercises to help me go to the depths of the pain and then finally to let it go and learn from it.

I did everything the book told me, well almost everything. I set up a meditation table. Above it, I hung the picture I’d bought when Aaron and I were in Belize. On the table I put seashells and an ocean scented candle.

The painting was of the bright, blue Caribbean Sea and the Belizean beach. In the corner was a red hibiscus. Our last morning when we were in Belize, Aaron had presented me with a hibiscus flower when he brought me my morning coffee. Yes, these things would surely assist me to get to the depths of my pain.

I bought a meditation rug, a cushion and the appropriate music with the sound of waves crashing at the shore. It all looked and sounded very tranquil, serene. I kept thinking I should actually use it. Surely it would help. Finally, I did and then I did again. And life started getting better in small increments. I followed the author’s instructions, not having the mental energy to question her words. I was a good student.

The book had more suggestions. I did those too. One I recall was to dump every single item of clothing I owned onto the floor. Then make two stacks: one of clothes that made me feel absolutely attractive and one stack that didn’t. The latter went to Goodwill. I’ll admit I do have a lot more room in my closet, and I do feel more attractive. This author has been here…She knows what it’s like.

Aaron and I both knew that we weren’t ready to date soon after the break up. But we talked about what it would be like when we did. How much did the other want to know? A fresh wave of pain infiltrated us. We declared that we each wanted at least to know when the other made the decision to start dating. Beyond that, it was hard to make rules about the unknown. I accepted the fact that I had to push through any jealous feelings if the friendship were to survive.

I made the decision first. I was helping a client set up an account on eHarmony. I researched and found him discounts. I read reviews. They reminded me that this site was designed for people who wanted a long-term relationship, a site that took things slowly. Maybe it would be right for me.

I did what we agreed on. I told Aaron. We both cried. Moving on is painful but necessary. I knew sitting in the pain indefinitely could become very isolating and, in a strange way, comforting. I feared becoming at one with my sofa, living my life through TV characters. I knew my grieving wasn’t completely finished, but I also knew life had to go on. So armored with my meditation practice, I proceeded.

Aaron has a birthday next week. We agreed that it would be safe to meet at Taco Deli for lunch ( Would I do this with Tammy? Yes. Ok then.). I have a small humorous gift for him. I found the one card without sexual innuendo.

Aaron isn’t my first break-up, but this may be the first one that feels healthy. And when it doesn’t, we can always make a new plan.

Author’s note: Thanks for accepting a blog that doesn’t quite fit the category of The Lighter Side of Dating. In a way, it does feel “lighter” but just not in a humorous way. Hugs to all my readers.
Ava's website: www.edatinginsight.com

Movie Madness

Aaron and I had been together for a while now. (See previous post for details.) As a fan of the Academy Awards, I’m often twisting arms of friends to go with me to see the movies that are up for nomination.

I don’t mind going alone, but it’s just way more fun to have another person there for a chat afterwards over a glass of wine, while we dissect the parts we did and did not like.

Aaron and I saw some of the nominated movies together, but, as luck would have it, quite a few remained on my “to see” list that he had already seen.

I started calling friends to accompany me to the movies. One of my top movie buddies was Jerry. He and I met through match.com, but we hadn’t hit it off romantically. However, we became instant friends based on our love of movies.

He would even accompany me to The Arbor to see the artsy films; this was where most friends drew the line. Being a theatre major in college, I constantly sought the latest film that had gotten rave reviews from the critics. Most people proudly scoffed at such reviews. That’s ok. Scoff away. I’m used to it.

The deadline was drawing near, and the glamorous Oscar night was just around the corner. By the way, Oscar night is the Super Bowl to people like me…the World’s Series…the Wimbledon…uh… sorry, I’m out of sports analogies, but you get the idea.

The one movie I hadn’t seen was Inglorious Basterds. Aaron had already seen it. I searched and it wasn’t at the movie theatres anymore, and it hadn’t made it out in DVD yet. But I did find it on Movies on Demand on my cable TV.

I talked to Jerry to see if he wanted to watch it with me. We usually had some pretty insightful discussions. He eagerly agreed. I didn’t want to cook so I told him I’d make a platter of cheese, crackers and fruit for us to snack on. He said he’d bring some wine.

It did cross my mind that this would be the first time we’d been in my apartment …alone… with wine, but Jerry was more like one of my girlfriends so I dismissed any concerns. Nevertheless, when he arrived, I spread out a blanket on the floor in front of the TV and made sure the food and wine were between us.

We started the movie and settled in to watch. There was Brad Pitt in the most unlikely role.

Lt. Aldo Raine You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'.
Hmmm wished they had chosen another actor. This character is just too much of a stretch because I know the usual Brad Pitt roles. And the accent, although funny, was a little over-the-top.

We sipped on our wine. Jerry’s phone rang. He turned it off, so I decided to turn mine off as well and really focus in on the movie. Rumors had it that this one might have a shot at several awards.

Shosanna Dreyfus: You either do what the fuck we tell you, or I'll bury this axe in your collaborating skull.

Ok it’s a little more violent than I usually like but in some kind of quirky way, the premise of the movie calls for it. I even caught myself laughing at quite a few scenes. Hmmm could this really be a comedy in disguise; after all it was directed by Tarantino. That would explain the over-the-top accent.

We snacked and continued sipping our wine. I noticed my phone was vibrating, but I ignored it. Whoever it was could wait. That’s the nice thing about being in a real theatre. There’s less to distract from the movie experience. (Methinks only a die hard movie lover would ignore a persistent phone vibrating.)

It was nearing the end.

Lt. Aldo Raine: I mean, if I had my way... you'd wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-suckin' life. But I'm aware that ain't practical, I mean at some point you're gonna hafta take it off. So. I'm 'onna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.

I hid my eyes. I knew this was going to be bloody.

Jerry looked at me and said, “Is that someone knocking at the door?”

“No, it must be next door. I’m not expecting anyone.”

The next time there was no mistaking it. Someone was knocking hard on my door.
I paused the movie, went to the door and opened it.

Oh. My. Gosh. There stood Aaron… with his overnight bag in his hand.

“Aaron,” I said. My wide eyes and gaping mouth were the first clue I wasn’t expecting him. Jerry was the second.

“Uh Aaron, this is Jerry, my movie buddy. Remember I’ve told you about him. We go to movies together all the time. He is really a good friend, just like one of my girlfriends. Come in. We’re watching Inglorious Basterds. I know you’ve already seen it.” I babbled on and on and on and on.

Aaron walked in and stopped and surveyed the situation. A carpet picnic. Wine…. Clearly, a romantic set-up. He looked perplexed. I was still babbling nonstop.

He sat down and watched the last two minutes with us. I have no memory of how it ended. Then Aaron, who has never met a stranger, engaged Jerry in one conversation after another.

My mind was racing. “How can I get Jerry to go home in spite of the fact that Aaron is still chatting like crazy?” I walked over and sat down beside Aaron and held his hand...put my arm around him. Jerry and Aaron continued talking like this was absolutely normal. What next?

I interjected into the conversation, “Yes Aaron and I saw that movie together.” And we’d like you to go on home now… (ok that last part is a “wanted-to-say” not a “really-said.”)

Finally, I went over and got what was left of Jerry’s wine, corked it and brought it to him. Not subtle but I was past the point of subtle now.

The minute the door shut I turned to Aaron. 
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming over?"

“Did you not get my text?”

“No, my phone is off.”

When we finally sorted out all the mysteries, here is what had happened. Aaron had sent a text asking if he could come over. He lives south and when he is in the north part of town, he sometimes does this. I am always happy to see him… well tonight "happy" was not the first emotion I experienced.. The overnight bag had taken up residence in his trunk for just such spontaneous occasions.

Aaron checked his phone. “See, look.” He showed me where he had pulled up an old email of mine that said, “That sounds good.” So assuming he had my permission, he drove on over from his nephew’s house where he’d been visiting.
I gave him a kiss and suggested he sue Blackberry.

Ava's website: www.edatinginsight.com